Perhaps there is some love hidden deep within the relationship, but it’s not what’s showing up in this whirl.

Here’s the dance: He feels like a piece of sh*t. She can’t bear his suffering. He goes down to the depths of pain and she ties her rope to him in hopes of saving him from himself. She sees the potential and does her best to reach it for him. Backfires of resentment and shame sound loudly. And they call it love.

Do you know that dance?

There’s more to a successful, satisfying relationship than love—at least the way we know it in this culture.

First, two separate individuals must show up and face each other. The most beautiful dances have varying amounts of space between the dancers. Sometimes the dancers are close and intertwined, but most often there is more space; the entwining is a brief punctuation in time.

Love is not enmeshment. Moving together and apart and together and APART is basic. It’s essential to practice being who we are as individuals. Having a full dance card is a treat. The more robust relationships held outside the romance, the fuller the bucket to bring home with you. It adds to what we can bring to the relationship, because we bring more of ourselves. Attempting to realize someone else’s potential for them is impossible. If you’re the teacher, the authority, the guide, tools may be made available, but our potential is our own. It doesn’t belong to mom or dad or anyone else. It is ours to fulfill.

Wanting someone to fill our potential for us is the other edge of that same sword. Someone else will always disappoint. Success at that task is an impossibility. You are the only one who can develop who you are into what you want to be. You have complete authority; you’re in the lead.

Closeness is fun. It can feel really good, but merging into sameness is a lose-lose proposition. While variety is the spice of life, trusting our partner/friend/boss/lover to take care of themselves is the spice of love. Holidays are full of closeness. Friends and family gather and (hopefully) delight in each other’s presence. For me, I’m glad to get my house back. Both are lovely experiences, but they are different.

Only when spaces grace the relationship is closeness possible. And if we don’t get the space we develop a tool for separation, it’s called resentment. It’s like water working it’s way into the cracks of the relationship and freezing. With each thaw, the cracks grow bigger allowing more water—you get the picture. Resentment can move mountains, but it won’t make others kinder or more considerate or a better mind-reader.

No one learns a dance well the first run-through. Practice helps. The first move is “let go of the rope” that drags you down to the depths along with someone else, you’ll both drown—that will help no one and probably creates lots of pain, suffering and confusion on the way.

We have but one life to live and it is our own.

To your full Life,

Tina